What’s on – Walking with Dinosaurs That Are Mashed on Drugs
18 May 2012
Huge lizards off their tits.
Receptionist shocked to discover sidebar fame
18 May 2012
A 22-YEAR-OLD Londoner has been amazed to find more than a hundred stories about her weight, dress sense and love life on the Daily Mail's website.
Owen vows to continue top-flight sitting
18 May 2012
MICHAEL Owen believes his career in being seated can continue at the highest level after leaving Manchester United.
Euros disintegrating in sunlight
18 May 2012
EURO banknotes are dissolving into thin air at the touch of the sun as if they were never real.
Yoda: Corporate bitch I now am
18 May 2012
ONCE-GREAT Jedi Master Yoda will flog anything for cash, it has emerged.
The perfect mentally-unhinged macaron recipe
17 May 2012
HOW to make macarons while struggling with your legion of inner demons.
Online comment-writers to get own internet
17 May 2012
A NEW internet is to be created for people who like writing comments, so everyone else can enjoy surfing the web without their torrents of bile.
England fans gripped by opposite of fever
17 May 2012
THE announcement of England’s squad has triggered no excitement ahead of the Euro 2012 tournament.
UK ‘will return to Stone Age by 2014′
17 May 2012
BRITAIN will be a prehistoric barter economy within two years, the Bank of England has predicted.
Joey Barton ‘based personality on Swayze in Road House’
16 May 2012
FOOTBALLER Joey Barton has confessed to stealing his philosophising tough guy persona from the lead character in the 1989 movie Road House.
Jubilant Rangers Throw Skates Into Stands
19 May 2012
Jubilant Rangers Throw Skates Into Stands
read morePushy Hermit Crab Girlfriend Wants To Move In
19 May 2012
Pushy Hermit Crab Girlfriend Wants To Move In
read moreLetters To The Editor: One More Like
19 May 2012
Dear The Onion, I don’t have a Facebook account, but I just wanted you to know that I enjoy your publication. Please add one to whatever number of likes you currently have online. Carly Durland, Binghamton, NY
read moreSculpture Of Stereotypical Italian Chef Proof Of Pizzeria’s High Standard Of Excellence
19 May 2012
MINNEAPOLIS—According to customers, a fiberglass sculpture of a fat mustachioed Italian stereotype recently placed in front of Gunther's Pizza has provided irrefutable proof of the restaurant's high standard of excellence.
read moreSportsgraphic: Metta World Peace
19 May 2012
Mr. World Peace changed his name last year in order to show he'd rejected the hooliganism that got him in trouble as Ron Artest, but he's also coming off a seven-game suspension for a blind elbow.
read moreOhio Film Festival Graphic Designer To Go With Film Reels For The O's
19 May 2012
Ohio Film Festival Graphic Designer To Go With Film Reels For The O's
read moreFleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game
19 May 2012
GOLDSBORO, NC—Anticipating the very likely need for rapid medical evacuation, a fleet of ambulances from several regional hospitals took up positions Saturday at the edge of Fairview Park, where a group of 41-year-old former college friends had gath...
read moreTV Listings: The Return Of Eddie
18 May 2012
TLC 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Eddie returns to Cleveland, where he hasn’t been since he was a kid, and is surprised to find they built the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame there.
read moreAmerican Voices: Sweetener Makes You Dumber
18 May 2012
A study published in The Journal of Physiology demonstrated that rats given substantial amounts of high fructose corn syrup learned and remembered less than a control group.
read moreHARRISBURG, PA—Josh Newton, 32, wouldn't say that Thursday was a complete waste, since he did watch nearly every video about Jeffrey Dahmer on YouTube.
18 May 2012
HARRISBURG, PA—Josh Newton, 32, wouldn't say that Thursday was a complete waste, since he did watch nearly every video about Jeffrey Dahmer on YouTube.
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